Here is a complaint I just submitted to Subway.
Dear Subway Franchise,
I was recently poisoned by your sandwiches. How do I know for sure it was your sandwiches? Well, to answer that question I am going to need to go into a bit of detail. It all started a few days ago (Oct. 24th) when I realized I only had approx. 200 dollars left on my meal card to get me through Dec. 21st (I am a student at the prestigious University of Alberta). Upon realizing this, I decided to plot out my counter attack. Now, on campus, pretty much everything is overpriced except one thing: Subway sandwiches. So I decided that I would only eat Subway until my cash flow was depleted. This was fine, even enjoyable, until earlier today. As I was walking home from ingesting one of your (debatably) fine sandwiches, I began to experience an acute pain in my rectum. I sucked it up (referring to the act of clenching one's buttocks to prevent the possibility of anal leakage) and hurried back to my room. Luckily, I was recently moved to a single with my own washroom, where I proceeded to projectile shit my brains out for approx. 15 minutes. Now, this was not alarming to me. I wiped (which was quite challenging due to the liquidity of my feces) and pulled my trousers up and washed my hands and went about studying for my midterm (which is tomorrow). Approx. 15-20 minutes later I felt a familiar feeling in my hindquarters. Again I sucked it up, but this time without prevail. I leaped to the toilet and again was plagued by an awful bout of the squirts, which can only be described as the single most painfully burning sensation I have experienced in, on or around my anus (excluding the night I spent in jail). This was followed by a moderate amount of vomiting which resulted in me lying on the bathroom floor, covered in mustard colored poop the consistency of jello and similarly hued vomit wishing my mother was present to clean me up. I do not have any symptoms of a flu-like virus or any other symptoms in general. You will be receiving a package in the next few days containing samples (I defecated in it) and also photographic evidence. The course of action you take from there is up to you, but I would suggest a full reimbursement for the eight (8) sandwiches I have purchased in the previous four days. They have all been Spicy Italian 6-inches on Italian Herbs & Cheese. Thank you for your time.
C. Nelson esq.