i'm going to (legit) get committed to blogging

Well, this weekend I went to Nordegg with Mikki and Jillan, which was a whole lot of fun even though I couldn't drink or smoke. It wasn't too bad, although at one point I found myself smelling Mikki and Jillan's vodka, and I was very close to saying "fuck it" and finishing it off but I couldn't let everyone down. Again. Anyway, now I'm pretty much looking forward to going home. Top ten things I'm looking forward to getting home for:

10. eating a real fucking hot dog from Mustard's Last Stand
9. getting some Chipotle
8. crossroads trading company
7. getting stoned in the cay and practicing ghost hits
6. going to Michigan with my friends
5. getting hammered and rambunctious at Karl's
4. ingesting copious amounts of drugs until it feels like I've died and everything goes away
3. seeing all of my friends again and finally being able to feel relaxed and at ease
2. seeing my family
1. seeing my Annimal!

In other news I have lost all motivation with school. In the past two weeks I have been to math once and went to my physics lab. I ditched english (didn't turn in the essay that was due last week and I'm still barely halfway done with) and haven't done any physics or math homework for a good two weeks either. For some reason I really just kinda don't give a fuck. Huh, strange. NOT! HA. My parents always thought it was all the pot smoking that made me apathetic but if anything I feel more inclined to do my homework to make up for all the pot smoking. I dunno. I'm starting to feel horribly depressed due to a variety of reasons and really feel quite hopeless. I need to do something constructive but I don't know what. I think I will write a bucket list.

Death is really a continuation of life.

the annimal inside of me?

BACK home there was a girl I used to date named Annie Goodman. I really do believe, and I know when this comes out of the mouth of a child it is often thought of as meaningless due to the lack of experience and maturity of the speaker, but I really do believe I am quite in love with her. I was before and I am still. If anything now I feel more strongly about her. It makes me sad to be away from her. I think about us all the time. Not actually all the time, but multiple times during the day. When I wake up and before I fall asleep, every time I see a girl wearing glasses or who is short or who has a hot ass. I wish and I dream...

THE only thing I can (seemingly) recall seriously dreaming about being, not just the becoming, is a writer.

I am feeling very alone. It's overwhelming. I've started smoking much more than I used to (a social crutch in my mind) and am constantly craving artificial escape. I guess it really is my own fault, seeing as I was evicted from my prior residence and thus successfully isolated myself from everyone that I knew. But still, I just feel that no one is seeking out my company. Which stinks. I miss my friends. I miss commandeering the attention of the group and talking until someone stops me. I miss acid. I miss getting high before school. And during school. And after school. And in my room. And in the shower. Fuck, I miss getting in trouble. I miss having someone want to know where I am and what I'm doing. But mostly I just miss being able to vent all my crappy emotions. I was about to, but the timing didn't work out. Oh well, maybe it's a sign? Unlikely, a coincidence is the word I was searching for. Funk, it's late. I need my sleep. I'm getting sick.

THIS is really just an outlet for me.

ON a lighter note, I just downloaded Jillan's friend's mixtape "Pré: Everyday." He is actually much, much more talented than I originally pegged him to be. The pretentious side of me showing right there.